happy birthday.
jared says:
ok...very busy? can i call for a bit?
chelle. the return of my KING says:
very busy
jared says:
2nd part of the question?
chelle. the return of my KING says:
cannot.
chelle. the return of my KING says:
not right now anyway.

and it's 11.58, and i call you anyway. but your phone's engaged. so i call your handphone. you say, in the background, "hang on i'll be back really fast." i ask you who you're talking to, but i already know the answer. and i'm right.

happy birthday. 
i walked home alone with you. 12:10 am

  maybe there just isn't a point, the heartache, the wondering, the sacrifices that you make on your part, and not knowing if those sacrifices are worth it, not knowing if the other cares enough to make those same sacrifices, and even if they do, not knowing what else can throw a freaking spanner right into the gears and just screw every damn thing up. (like maybe a carelessly sent sms. sigh.) and of course i know that if it works out, it's a beautiful experience. of course i damn well know that. but how often does it work out? how long will it stay that way? i don't know anymore. and maybe my conclusion is just that, that maybe it doesn't work out. is that my lesson learnt, that maybe it's never meant to? i've gone through most of my life thinking that there's one person for you, just one person, and maybe you'll find him/her, and maybe you won't, and you might go through your whole life never knowing this one perfect person, but i always thought that more often than not, the two of you were meant to be together, and so it would just work out, no matter the distance, the difficulties, the differences. because something like that was just, you know, meant to be.

and then, you grow up, and all your childhood fantasies become... simply that. a nice pretty little dream, that one day, maybe you'll tell your grandchildren, while the person by your side whom you've spent half your life with smiles and nods, and dreams of her own perfect world where it might just have worked out, where the person who she was meant for would actually be by her side and tell stories of their perfect life where everything that was meant to happen, happened. where everything worked out.

but it doesn't, does it. it never does. and that's why they call it a dream. because when you wake up, and you grasp at it, desperately holding on to the fleeting wisps of it, it just fades away. and you can write it down and try to remember it, and you can go back to sleep and try your goddamn best to continue where you left off, but eventually, you're going to have to wake up. and the dream remains a dream.  
i walked home alone with you. 11:02 pm

  oh freaking hell. i just messed up so damn badly...gah my friend's girlfriend in australia messaged me and asked what happened to him cos she'd been looking for him the past few days and he hadn't been answering her calls. so i asked him and he asked me to cover for him, cos his phone bills were through the roof and he had to try and save money for a while so he was trying to hide out or something. so good old me, i replied to his msg, saying that maybe he should just tell her cos she'd probably understand. BUT I FREAKIN SENT THE SMS TO HER. half a minute of loud vulgarities later, i get an overseas call. and the rest, well, is probably going to go down in history.

i'm really so sorry. damn. DAMN.  
i walked home alone with you. 9:01 pm

  recluse! i've just posted 3 entries and deleted all of them in quick succession. mutter. don't ask.

anyway. i went for liang's gig. my cousin is such a rawkstar haha. and i really enjoyed the songs man but why oh why did they have to all, ALL be so depressing? make some happy music! joy joy joy and all that. looking forward to your next gig cousin. rock on =)  
i walked home alone with you. 11:57 pm

  bye. alright it's late and i guess you're not going to call after all. hope you managed to finish your paper. so good night. i'll see you soon.  
i walked home alone with you. 12:31 am

  music. it's rather interesting how a simple song can bring to mind so many things. songs that we used to listen to together before we were together, when things were all so different. so many emotions, thoughts, memories, feelings.

a song just started playing on my winamp, something that i really haven't heard in ages. brings back so many memories of times when being friends was something so simple and yet so freaking complicated cos of the circumstances around it.

waiting outside the toilet at the back gate stairs holding her huge file for her. all the gossip that started, that i'll state now for the record was never true. getting tired of the gossip and just for the heck of it, acting like we were a couple and getting a good laugh at the rest of the class that gossiped even more. the late night phone calls, the late late night phone calls. sending her home and sitting by the canal and talking until the sun set. walking in the middle of the road while the cars honked at us. studying till late at the delifrance in holland village. skipping class at the library together. coming early to class just so we could get those two seats at the back of the room. sending her out to the bus stop then sprinting back so i wouldn't be late for training. how she embarked on her ignoring me phase, cos she was afraid and didn't want to get in too deep. how i got pissed off at that and telling her exactly what i thought of the situation. telling myself it wasn't worth it, and then fighting to make the friendship work, because it -was- worth it. ghim moh after our separate trainings and acting too goddamn dao to notice each other, because, just because. painting her room together. painting my name on her wall then painting over that, just our little secret. it's still there i guess. just like these memories will always be there. times when we used to be friends, and so much more than that.  
i walked home alone with you. 12:06 am

  is this it. alright i'm tired now tired of hoping that things might be different tired of thinking that maybe now it'll be better that one talk like that could change things tired of making up excuses for you in my head that maybe you're studying or you're really busy or that you're going to message me soon soon soon tired of half keying in an sms to you then deleting it or calling your speeddial and seeing your name pop up then cancelling the call tired of sitting around the whole day not getting a sms or a call and when i do get one jumping at it wondering if this is the one this call might just be from you or you finally decided to sms me like you promised then it's not and so now i'm tired.

good night.  
i walked home alone with you. 11:28 pm

  a complaint! that the post was too short. well it's been a short week you know. this guy once told me to "be satisfied with what we have" so take heed. haha sorry liang i know i should just shut up. but then you'd miss my incessant noise =)

ah. one last thought. our birthdays are coming up. wonder if we'll spend it together, like we said we would. i hope so. but like i told her, it's her life now i guess. the choices, they're hers to make in the exact same way that the choices i've made are solely mine and i should stop blaming them on other people, or situations, or places. my crap, it's all, all mine.

so we'll see. how our friendship goes, whether it goes, it's up to you now. i've done all i can, and that's it.  
i walked home alone with you. 11:55 pm

  news this week. hello people i'm here. karen i just emailed you! hah finally huh. sorry i took so long.

just got back from bumming around town with liang, hey cuz i had fun =) ok one thing at a time.

firstly, guys i appreciate being linked on your pages and stuff, but could you take me off? this is just my kinda way of updating those people whom i want to know about my life, and it's not really meant to be a public thing. so until i'm ready for more people to read this stuff, don't link me alright? thanks =)

well. i've managed to resolve some things in my head this week, always a good thing. and i talked to a. about stuff too, so that's another good thing.

ok i don't really know what to say. today...well, you'd have had to be there. karen, it's in the mail. liang, you know. whoever else, just ask me. so...yeah that's it people. i'll try to post again when i can. bye for now.  
i walked home alone with you. 11:35 pm

  part deux. alright a dinner and a few annoyingly searching questions and comments later, i'm back. i hate it when you make me think, liang. i've managed to effectively switch off my brain very well these few months.

well. like i said i don't know what i expected to feel but -just about nothing- wasn't one of the them and yeah maybe it was a bad setting but what i was trying to say was that it's really different with m you know? very much so. and so i don't know. and to karen, i don't know what i want out of this. so maybe i'm leading a on. i don't know i don't know i don't know much anymore. sigh. everytime i tell myself to stop talking to her to cool things down i realise that i have very little resolve. like how i resolved not to think so much and wonderful as family is, my cousin always always makes me think.

blah. and now my mood is spiralling low. in a tailspin tailspin no not that old disney cartoon but me, that's me the tailspinner i'm going down down down.

see you.  
i walked home alone with you. 10:55 pm

  hm. ok what to say? so much stuff has happened this week. firstly. hello kids i'm back thanks for tuning in. apologies for the delay in your regular telecast. ok. this week.

met randolph at wargaming and talked a lot to him felt really good to catch up like that but hey i could tell that he was a little surprised at what i was doing nowadays but like i told him, hey people change just that some changes are precipitated by certain events so... so damn big that the change that happens is just a lot...more drastic? alright slightly incoherent. but hey man i'm still a friend, just like i've always been. see you around.

hey liang here's the post as per requested. why you need me to post anyway i don't know since you know everything that's happening anyway. sorry about last night man didn't mean to leave like that but well. heh. karen: i'm almost afraid to email you for my weekly update. you'll just kill me. but things happen, you know. yup.

alright. last night. it was...i don't know. clarence totally messed things up by his tiny little revelation before we met them, and i -quite- resolved to ignore her that night. (and clare next time if you're going to freaking tell me something like that, um, well, DON'T. not like half an hour before. thanks. heh.) and i was getting along with it quite well too. almost left i think. lousy place, almost boring and well she practically ignored me too, talking with her friends and the orange shirt. the dancing was pretty bad too. then clare suggested getting the l.i.t. and we met the tequila man! ha. then she appeared back without orange in tow, for the first time in the night. bought her some drinks, she bought me some, went off, blah blah. liang you were there for most of the next part. karen i'll email you. whoever else doesn't get to know! ha. not like many other people know this place.

i'm glad you told me about b. thank you for making me feel better, for letting me know that everything was ok. thanks for making last night so fun, turning an otherwise horrible night into...something else. i felt slightly guilty after your -other- surprising revelation but i don't suppose you minded it. haha and clare it was pretty amusing to see you riding along in the backwash too. you owe me one =) well. it was fun.

will post more later. tune in again folks.  
i walked home alone with you. 7:25 pm

  hey mama. i love the song it's so irreverently happy. get on the floor and move your groove, mama.
other damn good songs now...the darkness - i believe in a thing called love. get a hold of the mtv it's hilarious i tell ya. and maroon 5's this love is really good too. and the lead singer's kinda cool... heh. creeping suspicion that the stress of this whole damn thing is turning me into a samesexlover. haha. and yes i'm kidding.

or am i? hahahahaa. ok end insanity. heh the girl in the video looks really good too. go check it out.

retail therapy today. two tshirts from fareast that i really like and were cheap. and many more on my to-get list that were a little too expensive for the moment. but i freakin want them. haha.

caught big fish with a. today...not a bad show go check it out. slightly kooky, quite a touching end. self discovery and stuff. other stuff that happened during the show was slightly confusing. oh well.

oh. ever wondered what you're like when you're drunk. like pissdrunk. well. join the army. it's a whole new discovery i tell ya. some people go all quiet, some get moody. i'm the type who sings and says the most, most amusing things. oh and i talk. too much perhaps. and in a warped kind of confessional, i might have messed things up.


this love has taken it's toll on me
she's said goodbye too many times before
and my heart is breaking in front of me
i have no choice i won't say goodbye anymore

this love, maroon 5 
i walked home alone with you. 1:16 am

  you've got mail. specifically from you, kar. thanks... but i've gone out with her again since i told you. i've come to realise that i possess a distinct lack of self-control. oh wotthehell.

i'll email you again.

i'm in a state of confusion folks. i don't know what i'm becoming, what i'm doing, barely even what i'm thinking. and it scares me.

and this won't make any sense to anyone, but say hello to the new tank platoon commander for bravo company of 40th battalion, singapore armour regiment. my callsign is 2-4. you may call me twofour. i refuse to call it braves coy why the hell couldn't i have been in archer it sounds so much more normal. braves, pfeaugh. i like that word. pfeaugh. say it with me kids, PFEAUGH.

i feel like a pfeaugh. 
i walked home alone with you. 1:35 am