where is the love? i just realised that all my old comments beyond march now display a (0) even though all the comments are still there when you click on the box. how strange. they're hiding from me. pigs. come back!

and the realisation just struck me that in just about a year's time, i will be in law camp, provided my plans don't make a drastic change. i doubt they will, and so here's to a year ahead. i nibble my nails in anticipation.

ord!

well maybe not just yet.  
i walked home alone with you. 9:50 pm

  this is turning out like some fucking movie. geez. 
i walked home alone with you. 11:07 pm

  despair. um, not my present state of mind, but a character from neil gaiman (he of the sandman) whom i happen to think is brilliant. neil, not despair. never mind. here's a quote, and here's to despair.

her kiss is the deep ocean.

her kiss is not the deep ocean.
her kiss is the grey sky.

her kiss is a blind alley.

her kiss is her touch is her breath is her fingers is what remains after the laughing is over.

her kiss is the blackness her kiss is not the blackness.

and if i could be bothered to post pictures, this is accompanied by a delightful little vignette of a lady, crying, and dragging a hooked ring down her face. but don't worry, she's immortal. and it doesn't hurt, the ring, because i don't think despair hurts, not herself anyway. meet despair, of the endless. endless despair. how amusing.  
i walked home alone with you. 9:50 pm

  you could be my heroin. and for the umpteenth time, i refresh the page and let the song play again, and again, and again. maybe if i could find it somewhere else, i wouldn't have to look for it there anymore. you think? 
i walked home alone with you. 7:42 pm

  so near, and yet so, so very far. 
i walked home alone with you. 2:25 pm

  a thought. oh i remember what i wanted to say today.

i have been crafting statements about the effects of terrain (EOT) on one's attack plans and the defence schemes of the people sitting on top of that hill waiting to make many little holes in your chest. and the way they go is something like this. you find a FACT, then the EFFECT that this fact will have on your attack plan, and the ACTION that must be taken to capitalise on the advantage or minimise the disadvantage. like so:

The presence of the ground of tactical importance MOSCOW 1A, with a height of 34m rendering it the highest feature in the area of ops (FACT) allows it to dominate MALCOLM axis with fire and observation (EFFECT) and obliges the attacker to capture it in order to control the access to the south so as to allow speedy projection of forces into the enemy depth.(ACTION)

and as i wrote my umpteenth EOT statement, it just occurred to me how easy life would be if everything obeyed this simple little formula. where every choice you had to make fit itself neatly into a FACT-EFFECT-ACTION frame, and all you had to do was compartmentalise your life as such. imagine:

The presence of (insert name here), having been part of your life for the past 3 years (FACT) and having the ability to dominate your thoughts and actions even without actual physical presence (EFFECT) obliges you to attempt to control your access to your own thoughts and allow speedy recovery from past experience.(ACTION)

wouldn't it be so much easier? Effects of Life statements. i'd print generic ones on little cards and sell them, and make personalised ones for a little more. then everyone would know the best thing to do with their lives. i could make a fortune if only it would catch on.  
i walked home alone with you. 11:37 pm

  spin. either there's something very wrong with me, or i'm superbly tired.

do you know the kind of dream where you think you're falling down from some place and you'll never hit the ground, and then you suddenly wake up? i just got that just now. except that i was very much awake, and seeing the room around you suddenly take a nosedive isn't the most enjoyable thing in the world. and i'm still getting little fits of vertigo even as i'm sitting down and typing this. how terribly strange.

received an sms from a rather unexpected person today. quite a pleasant surprise. hello to you too =)

i cannot for the life of me find my love psychedelico cd. damn. so i sit here and listen to kumi's voice, the inane jap laced with wonderfully lilted english, (japlish? japeng? enganese?) sashay its way out of my computer speakers via illegal mp3.

now imagine. imagine that all this in front of you is just a dream. what would you do? me? i'd go back to sleep.  
i walked home alone with you. 10:47 pm

  i have better things to do. really. LAYER ONE
-- Name: jared
-- Birth date: 31st march 84
-- Birthplace: mt eliz
-- Current Location: home! i'm supposed to be in camp. so shoot me.
-- Eye Color: um. black? dark brown? strangely i don't really know.
-- Hair Color: black/brown. wonderfully damaged from too much sun.
-- Height: 170.
-- Right handed or Left handed: right handed


LAYER TWO:
-- Heritage: uh?
-- Weakness: i'd say...lack of self confidence.
-- Biggest fears: heh. that i won't find anyone else.
-- Your perfect pizza: rather out of point here? um. anything from california pizza kitchen i guess.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: not extremely demanding. i just want to be happy.

LAYER THREE: Your…?
-- Most overused phrase(s): riiight.
-- Thoughts first waking up: f*** i overslept! (no matter what time it is. insecure freak. heh)
-- Best physical feature: my left big toe. very pretty.
-- Usual bedtime: hrm. 3am. really.
-- Most missed memory: um. forget it =)

LAYER 4: pREFERences..
-- Pepsi or Coke: coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King: er. burger king i suppose.
-- Single or group dates: group. not really a good conversationalist.
-- Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: wtf cares
-- Chocolate or vanilla: i'm the ultimate chocolate freak.
-- Cappuccino or Latte: cappuccino. frothy. mmm.

LAYER FIVE: Do you…?
-- Smoke: occasionally.
-- Sing: when i think noone's looking.
-- Take a shower every day: many times a day. i need to be clean.
-- Have a crush(es): as in right now? no.
-- Think you've been in love: before.
-- Want to get married: hmm. i actually want to get married early. but i'm afraid i'll fall into the "marry whoever you're with right now and not someone you really love" syndrome.
-- Believe in yourself: occasionally.
-- Get motion sickness: thankfully no.
-- Think you're attractive: sadly no. sniff.
-- u're a health freak: i'm a disgustingly unhealthy eater. but i exercise so pfeaugh.
-- Get along with your parents: quite well.
-- Play an instrument: um. not exactly. i learnt the guitar before but i didn't practise.

LAYER SIX: In the past month, you’ve…?
-- Drank alcohol: need you ask?
-- Gone on a date: not exactly.
-- Gone to the mall: yes. inane question.
-- Eaten sushi: yup. i love the taste of slimy raw fish.
-- Been on stage: does the podium count? ha.
-- Been dumped: nope
-- Gone skating: uh. surfing!
-- Shoplifted: nope.
-- Spied: on what?

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: used to be 26. don't know now.
-- Numbers and Names of Childrens: 2 or 3. used to have names. don't know now.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: it'd be a garden one i suppose.
-- How do you want to die: i was rather hoping not to. but surrounded by the people i love, hopefully.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up?: i live an ambitionless life.

LAYER TEN: List the number of:
-- Drugs taken illegally: 0
-- People I trust with my life: hm. 3 or 4. parents excluded.
-- CDs that I own: rather a lot.
-- Piercings: soon, soon.
-- Tattoos: 0
-- Times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: 0
-- Scars on my body: quite a few.
-- Things in my past that I regret: mainly that i haven't made much effort to keep in contact with my old friends. 
i walked home alone with you. 9:52 pm

  freedom comes early this year. or next year rather. for all those people in singapore, guess you know what i mean. for karen, well, all NSFs only have to serve 2 years now. but i only get two not four months less because it only applies fully for those who enlisted after dec '03. to effect, i'll ord at the end of march, and not in may. that means...$2400 less pay. but also a lot more free time that i had planned. anyone know any relief teaching jobs available next year?

mental note: time to learn driving. wonder if my parents would find it terribly hilarious if i asked whether i could get a car. probably. shall not bother then. there's so much that i want to do but i've been stuck in this strange kind of lethargy recently. with the exception of the rather strenuously spent weekend.

watched "about a boy" again on hbo. i realise what a sucker i am for feel-good shows like this. shall hunt down more such like shows so that i can believe that good things do actually happen.

listening to: badly drawn boy - something to talk about (about a boy ost) 
i walked home alone with you. 9:26 pm

  hello. hmm. been quite long since i last had anything to say. it's been a mundane week, except for me being extremely annoyed with a certain commando whom i'm on course with. who has the extremely frustrating ability to appear completely nonchalant and yet think everything that he says is of the utmost quality and should be hoarded away by anyone who hears it to pass on to their grandchildren as the words of wisdom that should be passed on through the generations.

or something like that.

anyway. i've had an extremely healthy weekend + monday. i have: gone on a 8km run. swam for an hour (and if you know me that's amazing cos i can barely swim and an hour of it invloves extreme pain and agony after, not to mention a great deal of spluttering.) and did an obscene amount of weights in the gym. my new therapy.

then there was liquid room on saturday, which had rather good house/trance as usual. but it was kind of an old crowd. and i wasn't in too good a mood to start with somehow, and other feelings that crept up in the night didn't help. but c. has found yet -another- one, amusingly enough. they just keep throwing themselves at him, old and new. c, if you read this, i loathe you much. but i still like liquid room. just why oh bloody why can't i get the ones -my- age peeking over at me.

don't ask.

anyway, just for the record, it would have been the third year this thursday. wonder if it would even occur to her.  
i walked home alone with you. 9:50 pm

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i walked home alone with you. 11:06 pm

  last. oh and happy birthday, jiahui. enjoy yourself in bangkok =) 
i walked home alone with you. 3:02 am

  two. so much to write suddenly after a week of silence. firstly, i've watched harry potter. and i love it! yay. good, good. and emma watson. ooh. sinfully underaged and so so beautiful. i will wait in the wings of the studio and serve her coffee until she is of age, and then offer my undying love and adulation. seriously, she is gorgeous. but also, fourteen years old. damnit.

had this rather interesting conversation with ah liang again. i have established that at this moment, my morals indicate that i shall not 1)do drugs 2)have sex or anysuchrelations with someone that i have paid. heh. but anything else at the moment appears to be free game. hmm. i have no idea why i'd mention that, but it just seemed rather important to me to get it down somewhere. where it'd stare at me and remind me that i once said that. the conversation included other parts that i'd rather not say, but it was revealing. and was a lesson in self-discovery MUCH MORE BLOODY USEFUL THAN YOU BUGGERS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO STUFF DOWN MY THROAT. ahem. sorry. yes.

oh dashboard confessional is good. but below is brandtson's "grace thinks i'm a failure". even if you normally skip past the lyrics in someone's blog, read these. so heartbreakingly sad.

she said that i'm a shining star in her sky/and i feel that far away/make a wish for the best/of all the little things that i've missed/and just walk away/i've heard this one before/about the princess and the pauper/and i know just how it ends yeah/it doesn't end well/it just ends/and some things you learn from hurting yourself/and some things you learn from hurting someone else/and i don't think i'll be coming back here again/cause she's got plans and i don't think that i fit in.

good night. 
i walked home alone with you. 2:40 am

  gaaaah. in this past week, i have realised one thing.

i am not cut out to be effective. in this life, i have been destined to develop my own 7 habits. of highly uneffective people. i do NOT want to be an effective coach OR leader OR have a team that can work wonders OR use the rubrics to develop the leader in me. and i'd much rather NOT do after action reviews OR learn how to use the media to my advantage. oh i think i wasn't supposed to mention that last bit. please ignore.

i protest visibly through sleeping. keep me in there, and i will sleep. and i have been. but strangely enough, the more i sleep, the more sleepy i get. analyse THAT you hoity-toity morons. i suspect it's a left over instinct from jc. bored? take a nap. too complicated? take a nap. droning lecturer? take a nap. and on.

anyway. discovery of a new band, and wonderfully convoluted and endearing song titles. the band is called, rather aptly, brand new. songs include: "good to know that if i ever need attention, all i have to do is die" and "okay i believe you but my tommy gun don't" and a song that has nothing to do with overweight druggie argentinian soccer players nor alien-napped pelvis rollers, "me vs. maradona vs. elvis." but seriously, very good music. i like.

went out with liangwei today and had a really very good dinner. thank you liangwei. =) and after, walking around, i happened to see, well just about everyone. first we bumped into teckwee/shiming/imran/leejan/khairil at coffee club. then i saw wanlin/erlina/wanyu/unnamedperson along orchard. and then again, ruth/melvinliew/others at starbucks. and various other rj people around. and jess chow has amazingly replied to an email i sent her 5 months ago. everyone's back!

and sentimental old fart that i am, i miss the one person that i can't see, even though she's been around all this while.  
i walked home alone with you. 2:25 am